My Tribute to Criss and God's Goodness

On Saturday morning, March 6, I lost my best friend and soul mate.  He died unexpectedly but peacefully in his sleep.  He loved us well and will be greatly missed.  I would like to share with all of you what I shared at his funeral this past Saturday...

I believe I was 14 years old the first time Criss and I met.  I was attending a Jr/Sr Banquet at Brooklane Baptist Academy with his best friend.  Criss attended Loveless Park Baptist Church (now Grace Life), but he would occasionally go to church with this friend, at the same church where I was a member.  Eventually, there was a group of us that would sometimes hang out together – going out to eat after church or playing pool at a neighbor’s house.  The fall after I turned 16, Criss worked up the nerve to ask my dad if he could take me on a date.  My dad told Criss he’d kill him if he ever hurt me, but somehow that didn’t scare him off.  We continued dating for nearly six years while I finished high school and college before getting married in the summer of 1999.  This summer, we would have celebrated our 22^nd Anniversary.

Criss and I were different on so many levels, but the thing that drew me to him was how much he loved me.

He was rock and roll, while I was soft rock and worship music.

I saw black and white where he saw gray.

I was a people pleaser, and he couldn’t care less what others thought.

However, these things didn’t separate us.  We grew together, and each of us became better people for having known the other.  We knew the darkest places in each others’ lives and chose to love each other anyway.

I believe the greatest compliment I can give him today is to say that he loved us well.  Phenomenon is one of my favorite movies.  In the movie, Lace is a single mom who makes and sells chairs to earn extra money.  However, no one really wants to buy them.  Unknown to her, George Malley slowly starts buying her chairs.  He has no need for that many chairs, but he just keeps buying them because he cares about her.  Later in the movie, another character described it this way, “Now George has a love at his side and she is sticking with him. You know why? Because he bought her chairs. That's pretty smart to me.”

And that was the thing about Criss – he always bought my “chairs.”

When I cheered or participated in events in high school and college, he was there with homemade shirts and banners, cheering me on.

If I was setting up a classroom, he was there carrying boxes and moving furniture.

If I was heading up a children’s musical, he was there painting the scenery.

If I came up with some impossible sounding dream, he was there cheering me on and telling me it could be done.                                                                                                 

And yet, at the same time, he was careful to protect me from myself – from my natural tendency to take on to much or overextend myself.

Now, none of this means that he was perfect.  But it was okay because I’m nowhere near perfect either.

We made a great team.  I would try to hold life together on the days he was tired and struggling, and he would try to hold it together on the days I couldn’t take another step.

Like I said, he loved us well.  When he passed, I had a phone full of messages telling me loved me in a million different ways.  I had flowers left from Valentine’s Day still on the piano.  I had little notes in the van from where he had covered the front console in encouraging reminders just a few days before.

Criss was a small group/ one-on-one kind of person, and he hated to be the center of attention in a large group.  But for those who had the privilege of having him as a friend, they knew how fun and humorous he could be.  They knew he was faithful to his promises and loyal to his friends and those he cared for.  I have loved hearing the stories this week from others who knew him on a personal level and had gotten to know what a great man he was.

Criss’ passing has left a huge hole in our lives.  We had so many dreams for the future.  Vacations to come, a 25^th Anniversary that was just a few years away, and a nest that was soon to be empty.  Y’all, we love our kids, but we were working on our bucket list of all of the things we wanted to do once they had moved out.

The night after he died, as I looked once again into this once-bright future, all I saw was a black, empty hole.  And the thought of it wanted to consume me.

You see, we are all happy to follow God’s plan for our lives as long as it lines up with ours.  But when what we want suddenly splits ways with what He has planned or allowed, we have a choice to make.  Are we going to hold on ever so tightly to what we want, or are we going to trust that God is in control of this situation, and that He is still good?

I think that one of the hardest things for me to reconcile in my Christian life has been when I know 100%, without a doubt that God has the power to intervene in a situation – and yet He chooses not to. 

I had to sit and watch my child live with chronic health issues and bouts of almost daily terrible pain that lasted for roughly 8 years.  You don’t think I wrestled with God about that?  I knew without a doubt God could take it all away in an instant – but He didn’t.  I had to decide then and there if I was going to really believe Him or not.  Could I really trust Him or not?

There’s a song out right now that begins by saying, “What if I believed, when You looked at me there was no judgment?”  That phrase has been playing over and over in my mind for weeks. 

What would my life look like if I really believed that God is always in control?

What would my life look like if I really believed that God is always faithful?

What would my life look like if I really believed that God is all-powerful?

What would my life look like if I really believed that God is wiser than I am?

What would my life look like if I really believed that God is truly good despite how bad things look around me?

You fill in the blank, what would your life look like if you really believed that God is _____?

We have to decide.  The world is watching, and I’m afraid that far too often, they are seeing us rely on our own selves, our own plan, our own wisdom, and our own desires far more than we rely on God.

I have to surround myself with truth, and I have to choose to believe what’s true, even when it doesn’t make any sense at all to my human mind – especially when it doesn’t make any sense.

We all want to talk about God’s goodness and His faithfulness when He works things out the way that we want Him to.  What about when He doesn’t?

Nearly 8 years ago, Criss got a splinter that turned into a life-threatening infection.  The doctors couldn’t get it under control, and they told me on numerous occasions that they didn’t know if he was going to make it or not.  Although Criss lost a finger in the process, God gave him back to us.  Was God any less good last Saturday when (despite our prayers) Criss went on to be with the Lord?  Absolutely not!  God was just as good and just as faithful in both circumstances – when Criss’ life was spared and when it was taken.

Joanna Harris, a friend from college, wrote a devotional several years ago, and there was an idea she said in passing that really stuck with me.  She made a statement about someone missing the opportunity to glorify God in their suffering.

We all want to praise him on the mountain.  Isn’t He just as good in the valley?  Why are we so hesitant to glorify Him there too?

And this does not mean that we have to denying our feelings.  David was a man after God’s own heart, and look at the gamut of emotions he expressed to God in the Psalms.

It does mean that we are taking every one of those feelings and openly and honestly laying them at the feet of Jesus.  David didn’t tie everything he was feeling into a nice little package.  No, he gave God all of his raw, messy emotions and thoughts.

The key is to keep looking at and pressing into Jesus.  When I lay in bed at night and thoughts of that black hole-looking future start to overwhelm my thoughts, I will write “Jesus” over the darkness. 

Although much has changed, and Criss will not be here with me to complete all of the plans we had, the one thing that never changes is Jesus.  He can never be taken away from me. 

Romans 8:32 tells us, “He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?”  God, through Jesus, has already met the greatest need I will ever have.  If this is true, can’t I trust Him with everything else?

Over the years, people have tried to tell me how strong I am despite all I have endured.  I’m here today to tell you that I am not strong.  I am a weak, anxious, broken mess - but my Jesus is strong in me.

Today you may see me here, reminding myself of these truths, and tomorrow you may find me hiding in a closet with a 6 pack of Mountain Dews and a bag full of chocolate – just trying to remember to breathe.  And you know what? That will be okay.  I’ll be in good company with David, Elijah, and many others we consider to be great heroes of the faith.  David could remind himself to hope in God in one verse and then fall into despair in the next.  Elijah called fire down from heaven one day.  Then, just a few verses later we find him hiding under a bush, telling God he’d had enough.  God was ever so gracious with them, and He will be just as gracious to me and you.

My life verse is Isaiah 58:11, “And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like  spring of water, whose waters do not fail.”  And that is what He has been faithful to do over and over again in my life.

Psalm 27:13 says, “I remain confident of this:  I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.”  So, I keep watching for signs of His goodness all around me each day.

This week, I’ve seen his goodness in the dog I never wanted to have (that would certainly never be allowed in the house J) that now makes me feel safe enough to sleep at night without Criss.

I’ve seen His goodness in my kids, in their love towards me, and their willingness to help.

I’ve seen His goodness in Autumn’s encouraging words telling me, “Mom, you’ve got this.”

I’ve seen His goodness in Silas saying, “Mom, you want me to take the trash down?”  Because he remembered it was garbage pickup day, and that was the furthest thing from my mind.

I’ve seen His goodness in the years of beautiful memories I have with Criss.

I’ve seen His goodness in the stories you’ve shared with me of what Criss has meant to you.

I’ve seen His goodness in the outpouring of love we’ve received from all of you.

Sometimes I see His goodness in rainbows and fireflies.  This week, he sent me a patch of little, purple flowers (which is my favorite color).

And on the days I struggle to find it, I keep reminding myself that it’s still there.

I will “look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”  (2 Corinthians 4:18)

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Here is a video from the service.  I start speaking around 24 minutes.