On Saturday morning, March 6, I lost my best friend and soul mate. He died unexpectedly but peacefully in his sleep. He loved us well and will be greatly missed. I would like to share with all of you what I shared at his funeral this past Saturday...
I believe I was 14 years old the first time Criss and I met. I was attending a Jr/Sr Banquet at Brooklane Baptist Academy with his best friend. Criss attended Loveless Park Baptist Church (now Grace Life), but he would occasionally go to church with this friend, at the same church where I was a member. Eventually, there was a group of us that would sometimes hang out together – going out to eat after church or playing pool at a neighbor’s house. The fall after I turned 16, Criss worked up the nerve to ask my dad if he could take me on a date. My dad told Criss he’d kill him if he ever hurt me, but somehow that didn’t scare him off. We continued dating for nearly six years while I finished high school and college before getting married in the summer of 1999. This summer, we would have celebrated our 22nd Anniversary.
Criss and I were different on so many levels, but the thing that drew me to him was how much he loved me.
He was rock and roll, while I was soft rock and worship music.
I saw black
and white where he saw gray.
I was a
people pleaser, and he couldn’t care less what others thought.
However,
these things didn’t separate us. We grew
together, and each of us became better people for having known the other. We knew the darkest places in each others’
lives and chose to love each other anyway.
I believe
the greatest compliment I can give him today is to say that he loved us
well. Phenomenon is one of my favorite
movies. In the movie, Lace is a single
mom who makes and sells chairs to earn extra money. However, no one really wants to buy
them. Unknown to her, George Malley
slowly starts buying her chairs. He has
no need for that many chairs, but he just keeps buying them because he cares
about her. Later in the movie, another
character described it this way, “Now George has a love at his side and she is
sticking with him. You know why? Because he bought her chairs. That's pretty
smart to me.”
And that was
the thing about Criss – he always bought my “chairs.”
When I
cheered or participated in events in high school and college, he was there with
homemade shirts and banners, cheering me on.
If I was
setting up a classroom, he was there carrying boxes and moving furniture.
If
I was heading up a children’s musical, he was there painting the scenery.
If
I came up with some impossible sounding dream, he was there cheering me on and
telling me it could be done.
And
yet, at the same time, he was careful to protect me from myself – from my
natural tendency to take on to much or overextend myself.
Now,
none of this means that he was perfect.
But it was okay because I’m nowhere near perfect either.
We
made a great team. I would try to hold
life together on the days he was tired and struggling, and he would try to hold
it together on the days I couldn’t take another step.
Like
I said, he loved us well. When he
passed, I had a phone full of messages telling me loved me in a million
different ways. I had flowers left from
Valentine’s Day still on the piano. I
had little notes in the van from where he had covered the front console in
encouraging reminders just a few days before.
Criss
was a small group/ one-on-one kind of person, and he hated to be the center of
attention in a large group. But for
those who had the privilege of having him as a friend, they knew how fun and
humorous he could be. They knew he was
faithful to his promises and loyal to his friends and those he cared for. I have loved hearing the stories this week
from others who knew him on a personal level and had gotten to know what a
great man he was.
Criss’ passing has left a huge hole in our lives. We had so many dreams for the future. Vacations to come, a 25th Anniversary that was just a few years away, and a nest that was soon to be empty. Y’all, we love our kids, but we were working on our bucket list of all of the things we wanted to do once they had moved out.
The night
after he died, as I looked once again into this once-bright future, all I saw
was a black, empty hole. And the thought
of it wanted to consume me.
You see, we
are all happy to follow God’s plan for our lives as long as it lines up with
ours. But when what we want suddenly
splits ways with what He has planned or allowed, we have a choice to make. Are we going to hold on ever so tightly to
what we want, or are we going to trust that God is in control of this
situation, and that He is still good?
I think that
one of the hardest things for me to reconcile in my Christian life has been
when I know 100%, without a doubt that God has the power to intervene in a
situation – and yet He chooses not to.
I had to sit
and watch my child live with chronic health issues and bouts of almost daily
terrible pain that lasted for roughly 8 years.
You don’t think I wrestled with God about that? I knew without a doubt God could take it all
away in an instant – but He didn’t. I
had to decide then and there if I was going to really believe Him or not. Could I really trust Him or not?
What would
my life look like if I really believed that God is always in control?
What would
my life look like if I really believed that God is always faithful?
What would
my life look like if I really believed that God is all-powerful?
What would
my life look like if I really believed that God is wiser than I am?
What would
my life look like if I really believed that God is truly good despite
how bad things look around me?
You fill in
the blank, what would your life look like if you really believed that God is
_____?
We have to
decide. The world is watching, and I’m
afraid that far too often, they are seeing us rely on our own selves, our own
plan, our own wisdom, and our own desires far more than we rely on God.
I have to
surround myself with truth, and I have to choose to believe what’s true, even
when it doesn’t make any sense at all to my human mind – especially when it
doesn’t make any sense.
We all want
to talk about God’s goodness and His faithfulness when He works things out the
way that we want Him to. What about when
He doesn’t?
Joanna Harris, a friend from college, wrote a devotional several years ago, and there was an idea she said in passing that really stuck with me. She made a statement about someone missing the opportunity to glorify God in their suffering.
We all want
to praise him on the mountain. Isn’t He
just as good in the valley? Why are we
so hesitant to glorify Him there too?
And this
does not mean that we have to denying our feelings. David was a man after God’s own heart, and look
at the gamut of emotions he expressed to God in the Psalms.
It does
mean that we are taking every one of those feelings and openly and honestly
laying them at the feet of Jesus. David
didn’t tie everything he was feeling into a nice little package. No, he gave God all of his raw, messy
emotions and thoughts.
The key is
to keep looking at and pressing into Jesus.
When I lay in bed at night and thoughts of that black hole-looking
future start to overwhelm my thoughts, I will write “Jesus” over the darkness.
Although
much has changed, and Criss will not be here with me to complete all of the
plans we had, the one thing that never changes is Jesus. He can never be taken away from me.
Romans 8:32
tells us, “He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up
for us all, how will he not also with
him graciously give us all things?” God, through Jesus, has already met the
greatest need I will ever have. If this
is true, can’t I trust Him with everything else?
Over the
years, people have tried to tell me how strong I am despite all I have
endured. I’m here today to tell you that
I am not strong. I am a weak, anxious,
broken mess - but my Jesus is strong in me.
Today you
may see me here, reminding myself of these truths, and tomorrow you may find me
hiding in a closet with a 6 pack of Mountain Dews and a bag full of chocolate –
just trying to remember to breathe. And
you know what? That will be okay. I’ll
be in good company with David, Elijah, and many others we consider to be great
heroes of the faith. David could remind
himself to hope in God in one verse and then fall into despair in the
next. Elijah called fire down from
heaven one day. Then, just a few verses
later we find him hiding under a bush, telling God he’d had enough. God was ever so gracious with them, and He
will be just as gracious to me and you.
My life verse is Isaiah 58:11, “And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like spring of water, whose waters do not fail.” And that is what He has been faithful to do over and over again in my life.
Psalm 27:13
says, “I remain confident of this: I
will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” So, I keep watching for signs of His goodness
all around me each day.
This week,
I’ve seen his goodness in the dog I never wanted to have (that would certainly
never be allowed in the house J) that now makes me feel safe enough
to sleep at night without Criss.
I’ve seen His
goodness in my kids, in their love towards me, and their willingness to help.
I’ve seen His
goodness in Autumn’s encouraging words telling me, “Mom, you’ve got this.”
I’ve seen His
goodness in Silas saying, “Mom, you want me to take the trash down?” Because he remembered it was garbage pickup
day, and that was the furthest thing from my mind.
I’ve seen His
goodness in the years of beautiful memories I have with Criss.
I’ve seen His
goodness in the stories you’ve shared with me of what Criss has meant to you.
I’ve seen
His goodness in the outpouring of love we’ve received from all of you.
Sometimes I
see His goodness in rainbows and fireflies.
This week, he sent me a patch of little, purple flowers (which is my
favorite color).
And on the
days I struggle to find it, I keep reminding myself that it’s still there.
I will “look
not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the
things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:18)
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Here is a video from the service. I start speaking around 24 minutes.
